Chapter Twenty Eight

The last time Hep had talked to Ares was five years ago, when Ares had needed a replacement part for his nineteen sixty five Ford Falcon Station wagon, the Battle Wagon. It would have been easy enough to get the part he needed (the air cleaner cover) at any auto parts store, but Ares wanted the replacement to have a certain style that the OEM parts just don’t have. Specifically, he wanted a falcon holding a couple of battle axes while breathing fire formed into the metal.

Ares was not into subtlety.

Hep had done the job, because what’s family for if not doing favors in expectation of reciprocal favors in the future?

It was time to call in the favor. Cyrus had asked for a distraction, and Ares was good at being very, very distracting.

Hep called Ares at about nine thirty in the morning. He’d figured it was late enough for Ares to be awake, given it was a Tuesday. He’d been wrong.

Hep heard a loud clattering on the other end of the phone, followed by a snuffle and a grunt, then a slurred “Kill you?”

“Shit, sorry Ares, I thought you’d be awake by now,” Hep said.

“Hep? It’s seven thirty, are you nuts?” Ares said.

“Oh hell, I forgot about the time zones,” Hep said. The damn time zone thing always threw him off, particularly because Ares was living in southern California, so usually there was a one hour difference in their time zones, at most. “Sorry about that.”

“No sweat. So, to what do I owe the honor of this call?” Ares said.

“I need a favor,” Hep said.

“Of course! Wake me up and just start asking for favors. Fuck, Hep, when did we get married?” Ares said.

“Har har, Ares. Do you feel like causing a ruckus today?” Hep asked.

“That’s hardly a favor, Hep, I cause a ruckus most days before I’m a mile away from home,” Ares said.

“Yeah, but this time you’ll be rumbling with a demon,” Hep said.

“A demon? No shit?” Ares sounded very interested all of a sudden. “Like, straight from the pit? All sulphury and vile and stuff? Oh, yeah, where are you? I’ll be there in two shakes.”

“I’m in Oklahoma,” Hep said and gave Ares the details of where he was staying.

“Sweet,” Ares said. Hep heard the phone click then.

“Ares, you still there?” Hep said.

“Nope, I’m right here,” Ares said from behind Hep.

Scroat came out of the bathroom then. He looked at Ares, then at Hep.

“When did he fucking get here? For fuck’s sake, clue me in when we’re going to have guests,” Scroat said.

“This is my room, shithead,” Hep said to Scroat, “And he just frickin’ got here.”

“Right,” Scroat said. “So, hi Ares.”

“Hey Scroat,” Ares said, then turned to Hep, “So? Where’s this demon at? Is there anyone else I should kill while I’m at it?”

Ares was practically jumping up and down.

“What the hell are you so excited about?” Scroat asked.

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a worthy foe? Usually I just end up fighting a whole bunch of people. I mean, not that killing a whole gang in one go isn’t fun. It is. Lots of fun. But it’s not really a challenge. It’s like popping bubblewrap, it’s great fun, but I’m always kind of bummed when I run out of bubbles.

“A demon, though, well, that’ll be a challenge. They fight dirty. Really dirty. Will there be any scribes around to catch the details of the epic battle? “

Ares thought for a minute, then said, “Oh right. No scribes left.”

He looked disappointed for a second, but then brightened a bit, “Maybe a blogger?”

“If you’re lucky, maybe,” Hep said.

“Nice!” Ares said. “So? When are we leaving?”

“Settle down,” Hep said. “We’ll leave in a few minutes.”

Sarah knocked on the door then. Hep went over to the door, and let her and Killer in. She walked in to the room, and saw Ares.

Ares is an imposing figure, as are most gods of war. He dressed in enough black leather to shame Judas Priest, only Ares was actually intimidating instead of campy and silly. He was muscular but not muscle-bound, and carried himself with aggressive confidence. He had thick, black hair, dark eyes, and at this particular moment he was grinning in the disturbing sort of way that only Ares can grin when he’s excited about getting down to killing things.

“Um, hi?” Sarah said, and looked at Scroat and Hep with a questioning expression on her face.

“Sarah, this is Ares, god of war. Ares, this is Sarah, keeper of a parrot and lady friend of Scroat,” Hep said.

“I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!” Killer said before anyone else had a chance to speak.

“Uh, and that’s her parrot, Killer,” Hep added.

“Pleasure,” Ares said. “So can we go now?”

“No, you’re going to have to wait a goddam minute,” Scroat said.

“Where are we going?” Sarah asked.

“Where we always go, only you’re staying out of the way here. That is to say, you’re staying here to take care of Killer,” Hep said.

“What the fuck? Who are you to tell me to stay here and take care of the damn bird?” Sarah asked.

“Well, I’m a god, for one,” Hep said. “But more importantly, I’m keeping you out of the path of Ares while he, uh, distracts Nubbins. Ares gets a little exuberant when he’s working, and there tends to be a lot of damage to things in the vicinity.”

Ares grinned widely, “What can I say? I do what I likes, and I likes what I do.”

“Goddammit,” Sarah said. “I hate this protect the little woman bullshit.”

She stomped out of the room and back to hers.

“Looks like you’re going to need to bring her some flowers,” Ares said to Scroat.

“What the fuck? I didn’t tell her to stay here, that was Hep,” Scroat said.

“Yeah, but you didn’t go out of your way to argue with him,” Ares said.

“Well, for fuck’s sake, she does need to stay out of the way. I’ve seen your aftermath, and I don’t want her to be a part of it,” Scroat said.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re still wrong,” Hep said. “We’ll pick up some flowers on the way back from visiting Cyrus.”