Chapter Thirty Eight

Hephaestus and Ares had gone into the kitchen in Cyrus’s house.

“Well, here goes,” Hephaestus said. He took a breath, and stepped out of reality.

He and Ares stood in a vast, dark space. It was not hot. It was not cold. There was no wind. The ground, if it could be called that, was insubstantial. Above them shone an intensely bright light, though there was no tunnel coming down to meet them. Below them, impossibly far away, was a dim, red glow. It looked like little more than a pulsing ember from where they stood.

“That’s where we’re headed, I think,” Hep said.

Ares clapped his hands once and said, “Let’s get going then!”

They fell. Since they were in a spiritual dimension, not a physical reality, distance was as irrelevant as time. They could have fallen miles. It might have taken years to get to their destination. Or, they may have simply stepped off a curb and continued on seconds later. None of it mattered, so long as they were in the right spiritual state to arrive at the gates of Hell.

As gods, of course, they’re generally in the right state to arrive where ever they decided they wanted to arrive. And where the two of them wanted to arrive, at that moment, was at the gates of Hell.

The large demon who minded the gates of Hell was quite surprised to see them. No one was scheduled to arrive for a few more minutes, according to his book.

Hep took a moment to examine and admire the ironwork of the gates. They weren’t quite up to his standard, but apart from their grotesque appearance the gates were quite well done.

Hep and Ares approached the demon who stood, as always, behind his book on the pedestal.

“Um,” the demon said, visibly flustered by their unscheduled appearance, “Names?”

“I am Hephaestus, and this is Ares,” Hep said. Ares bowed slightly.

The demon put on his reading glasses and scanned through the great book in front of him. He flipped a couple of pages and continued scanning, then checked his watch.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to be here,” the demon said, helpfully.

“Oh, yes, I’m quite sure this is where we’re meant to be,” Ares said.

The demon looked back at his book again. He flipped through a few more pages, then pulled a slightly smaller book out from behind the pedestal. He set it on top of the great book of names, and flipped through it.

“Ah! Hephaestus, and Ares!” He said, as though everything made sense now. “You’re both gods. Greek.”

“That’s a very handy book you have there,” Hep said.

“Yes. Now, then, what exactly are you doing here?” the demon said. He removed his glasses and set them down again.

“Getting in to Hell,” Hep said.

“Well, we’re always happy to get some new faces around here, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t meant to be here,” the demon said.

“Oh, come on. Sure we are. We’re bad guys,” Ares said, and grinned. “Really, really bad guys. I mean, I’m a god of war, for fucks sake. I’ve killed so many people I lost count two thousand years ago.”

“Well, you may or may not be bad guys, as you say, but you are not the kind of bad guys who get sent to Hell,” the demon said.

“Aw, come on,” Hep said. “Hey, what was that one bad thing we did?”

Ares looked at Hep. His eyes twinkled.

“You mean the one thing we did that was really rotten?” Ares said.

The demon watched them quietly, with growing impatience. There were fresh, hell-bound souls on the way, and these two were wasting his time.

“Yes, that one,” Hep said.

“Oh, man, you are going to love this,” Ares said to the demon.

“Oh yes?” the demon asked as politely as he could manage.

“Yeah,” Hep said, “You see, Ares and I, this one time...”

At that moment, Ares swung and landed a mighty blow, hitting the demon’s jaw just where it hinges on the skull. The demon fell like a sack of demonic potatoes, unconscious.

Ares darted behind the pedestal, hopping easily over the demon, and grabbed the key to the gates.

He and Hep had just reached the gates, and were about to unlock them, when two worried-looking souls appeared.

“Hell-bound?” Hep asked.

The souls both nodded at him, trembling.

“We’re full. Fuck off. I hear there’s room in Heaven.” Ares said.

The souls looked at each other, decided not to ask questions, and ran like hell in the opposite direction.

Hep and Ares unlocked the gates to Hell, and pulled them wide open.

“After you,” Hep said, and gestured grandly to Ares.

“You’re too kind, sir,” Ares said, and walked in to Hell. Hep followed him, leaving the gates open.


The demon who guarded the gates came around a few minutes later. He sat up, and rubbed his jaw, then stood. He spent a moment looking for his reading glasses, put them on, and looked at the great book.

Two souls were due. He checked his watch. They were due ten minutes ago.

He then noticed the gates to Hell were wide open, and Hephaestus and Ares were no where to be seen.

“Oh fuck!” the demon shouted, and scrambled to alert the other demons.


“Man, I thought Hades was bad,” Ares said to Hep. “This place just reeks of efficiency analysis and middle management.”

“And sulphur,” Hep added.

They had reached the Lake of Fire, and spent a few minutes looking around and trying to get their bearings. There was no discernible order to Hell’s layout. Hep blamed middle management for that too.

“So where the hell do you think he is?” Ares asked Hep.

“I don’t know,” Hep said, honestly. “Where do you think they’d stash a con-artist preacher?”

“Perhaps we can be of some assistance?” said a voice behind them.

Hep and Ares looked at each other, and turned around slowly. Standing behind them were the legions of Hell. All of them, from what Hep and Ares could tell.

“Would you kindly tell us what you two are doing here?” the demon in front of them said.

“Sight seeing?” Hep said in reply.

“Ah, yes. Well, I’m sorry to say Hell is what you might call a restricted area. If you would be so kind as to walk with me to the gates, we can all get back to work,” the demon said.

“Aw, man, and we haven’t even see the pit yet!” Ares said.

“Well, perhaps we can arrange a tour for you at another time. Currently, we’re all rather busy though, so if you would just come with me,” the demon said.

“Now wait just a minute. You folks have been nothing but rude to us since we got here. I think we deserve a little more professional respect than that,” Hep said.

“Yeah!” Ares said.

“Well, I gather the demon guarding the gates was quite offended that you punched him unconscious, but he isn’t here wasting your time and complaining about it,” the demon said, impatiently.

“Gee, poor guy. He could have just let us in,” Hep said.

“Yeah! We told him we were bad guys,” Ares said.

“Sure thing. This way, please,” the demon said.

“Aw, fuck that. I’m not getting escorted out of here by the likes of you, you little pussy!” Ares said.

He grabbed the demon by the throat, lifted him off the ground, and threw him back into the crowd of demons, knocking a great many of them over.

“Nicely handled,” Hep said.

“How kind of you to say,” Ares said. “So, what do you say we rip these fuckers limb from limb?”

“Sounds pretty good to me,” Hep said.

The demons closest to Ares and Hep were still trying to get their bearings when the two gods came at them, fists swinging.

Hep had his favorite hammer, and used it to great effect against any demon foolish enough to approach him. Many demons lost a horn or two when Hep’s hammer connected with them.

Meanwhile, Ares was getting hands-on in his own unique way.

“A demon, scared of heights? I don’t believe it. Here let me show you how great they can be,” Ares said to a slightly-built demon. He grabbed the demon’s horns, and with a twist and a yank pulled the demons head free from his neck. Ares then lobbed the demon’s head as high into the air as he could.

“See? It’s fun!” Ares called after the head.

“Now then, how can I cure you?” Ares said to the next closest demon, who decided it would be a prudent time to run the fuck away.

“Hey! Come on, this is one-on-one, top quality therapy I’m offering!” Ares yelled.

Nubbins and the muscular demon saw all of this from the back of the demon horde. Nubbins ran off to summon some more help, while the other demon pushed his way through the demons, to get his own turn at fighting the two gods.