Chapter Thirty Nine

After Hep and Ares had beaten and dismembered a great number of the demon horde - upwards of half of them - the rest thought a strategic retreat would be the best course of action. They ran like, well, Hell.

Ares had chased after a group of them, leaving Hep alone to try and find Cyrus. Every now and then he’d hear a distinctly demonic shriek, followed by Ares’s laughter.

Hep walked past the lake of fire, and past the pit. He walked past souls chained to the wall begging him to let them free.

“Sorry, I’ll try to get you on the way back,” Hep said to them.

Every now and then, he’d spot a demon out of the corner of his eye. When he’d turn to look, the demon would duck out of sight. Hep couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought it was more than just one demon following him.

He did not get the impression they were going to mess with him. At least, not these specific demons. He knew better than to think he and Ares would be able to waltz out of Hell with Cyrus in tow.

After a long while, he reached a row of caves, each with an iron door barred shut. He walked along the caves, taking a moment to peer into each and see if Cyrus was inside. In each cave was a despondent soul. Most were curled up and either rocking back and forth or gibbering. A few tried to be efficient and rocked and gibbered at the same time.

Cyrus was in the second to last cave. He too was curled up, though he was neither crying nor gibbering.

Hep grabbed the key to Cyrus’s cave. The key was hung just far enough out of reach that Cyrus would be unable to reach it, but close enough for him to know it was there and try to grab it.

Hep put the key in the lock, and turned it. The lock made an awful grating noise that put Hep’s hair on end. The hinges did the same as Hep opened the door.

Cyrus looked up at Hep, then started.

“Hep? What the?” Cyrus asked. His eyes were wide open, and he suddenly didn’t quite know what to do with his hands.

“Well, you didn’t think we were going to give up on you just because you’re dead, did you?” Hep asked in reply. “Come on, let’s get out of here before someone notices.”

They heard running footsteps then, and seconds later Ares appeared in the doorway next to Hep.

“Hey, you found him! All right!” Ares said in between breaths.

“What’s your hurry?” Hep asked him.

“Oh. I found some more demons with a bit of fight in them. I didn’t want to hog all the fun,” Ares said. “They’re headed this way.”

“Um, thanks?” Hep said. “Come on Cyrus, we don’t want this to be the shortest jailbreak ever.”

Cyrus got up, and left the cave he’d been in. The three of them turned to leave, and saw a battalion of armed demons heading towards them.

“Oh, they’re so cute!” Ares said. “Look at them, with their little swords, it makes me want to give them all a big hug!”

Cyrus looked at Hep for an explanation. Hep looked back, shrugged, and said, “It’s best not to ask, or argue.”

“You kids want to play?” Ares said, and gleefully ran towards the demons.

The demons had heard Ares was a god of war, but they really weren’t expecting this. Ares head-butted the first demon he reached, snatched his sword away from him, stabbed him, then threw the sword to Hep. Seconds later, he did the same to another demon, and threw that sword to Cyrus.

Cyrus was not accustomed to such things, and Hep had to catch the sword at the last second to prevent it simply sticking into Cyrus.

“Here. You hold this end, and poke the bad guys with that end,” Hep said, and handed the sword to Cyrus.

Cyrus looked at Hep, blinked, and said “Are you crazy?”

Hep looked back at Cyrus, and said, “Do you want to stay here?”

After less than half a second of consideration, Cyrus decided he most definitely did not want to stay in Hell. He clutched the sword, which was already dripping with demon gore thanks to Ares, and walked slightly behind Hep to meet the demons.

Ares had not had this much fun in a very long time. The problem with killing mortals, you see, is that they aren’t alive to appreciate your witticisms after you’ve dispatched them. Demons, of course, do not die. At least, not as such. So Ares was able to carry on a conversation with the heads he’d lopped off.

“OK, go long!” he’d say to a head he was holding, and then he would drop kick the head. If it didn’t fly far enough, he’d then taunt the head, question it’s parentage, and tell it not to let him catch it hanging around again.

The now-armed demons never really stood a chance. They were made for wickedness, certainly. Evil, most definitely. Torture and suffering, undoubtedly. But nothing had prepared them for Ares doing what he loves best.

To give you an idea of what Ares loves best, Cyrus never had to lift his sword, except to use it as a bat in order to fend off the occasional stray head or limb. Hep did have to fight, a little bit, but honestly he was just picking up scraps Ares had missed in his passion.

It didn’t take very long for the rest of the demons to flee, again. Really, they just weren’t cut out for this kind of thing.

Nubbins had, however, found someone who was indeed cut out for this sort of thing. Nubbins, his boss and, well, his boss’s boss were all heading for Hep, Ares and Cyrus, determined to end this nonsense, kick Ares and Hep out, and get everyone back to work punishing the damned. Productivity was already going to take a huge hit as the demons Ares had dismembered waited to heal.

The three demons, two of which were actually powerful, and one of which was really good at office politics, reached Hep, Ares and Cyrus quickly.

Hep, Ares and Cyrus were standing near the pit, trying to remember their way back to the gates, when the three demons found them

Hep turned, and said, “Satan?”

Satan stepped forward, and said, in a weary voice, “Hep, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Getting this guy out of Hell,” Hep said. “I thought it was pretty obvious.”

“He can’t go,” Satan said. “We got him fair and square. We didn’t break any rules, and he deserves to be here.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Hep said. “I’m taking him anyway.”

“The fuck you are!” Satan said. His eyes narrowed, and his nostrils flared. “He’s mine. He couldn’t belong to me any more than he does now, even if I branded ‘Property of Satan’ on his ass and kept him on a leash.”

“Oh, that’s good, write that down,” Nubbins’s boss said to Nubbins. Nubbins glared at him and wrote down “Boss is a total fuck head,” then put his notepad back in his satchel.

“Hey, I found him first,” Hep said. “In fact, he wouldn’t even be here if it was for me suggesting he use religion to make money. As far as I can tell, I own his fucking soul, not you!”

Cyrus looked quickly at Hep. “What the fuck?” he asked in a panicked little voice.

“Hep, that’s just bullshit and you know it,” Satan said. “Now hand him over, and we’ll walk you to the gates, and you’ll have to stop by sometime again for coffee.

“Nah, I think we’re just going to have to kick your ass,” Hep said.

Ares grinned widely, and charged at Satan, bellowing. Satan raised his arms, and the two of them caught each other and grappled, each trying to knock the other to the slippery, hard ground.

“What the fuck Hep?” Cyrus said. “You don’t own my soul.”

“Shut up. I was trying to get him pissed off. It didn’t work as expected, but I think Ares has things under control,” Hep said.
Just then, Ares went flying past the two of them, and crashed into a rock wall.

“Oh, that sucked,” Ares said, and got up again. He ran at Satan once more, and both of them fell to the ground, getting in little punches and both trying to get a proper hold on the other.

Nubbins’s boss was entirely engrossed in watching the fight, and didn’t see Nubbins leaping towards him until it was too late to avoid him.

“Steal my fucking job, will you?” Nubbins snarled. “I’ll fucking kill you. You knew I would. Today, I will.”

The other demon grunted, and tried to grab Nubbins and pull him off. The little demon was tenacious, however, and slippery. Nubbins grabbed on to his boss’s horns and repeatedly drove his knee into his boss’s face.

Hep and Cyrus watched all of this with a mixture of surprise and awe. To one side of them, Ares and Satan were locked in combat. To the other side, Nubbins was apparently trying to climb the career ladder. Neither Hep nor Cyrus realized how close they were to the edge of the pit.

Nubbins’s boss managed to give the little demon a solid punch, dazing him enough to get a solid grip. The larger demon grabbed Nubbins with both hands, and threw him into the pit.

Only, not quite. Nubbins managed to grab hold of the edge of the pit, and did not fall.

Without thinking, Cyrus reached down, grabbed Nubbins and pulled him up to safety. He set the little demon on the ground next to Hep.

“Oh, fuck!” Satan said, and released Ares. Ares, puzzled, got to his feet and looked at Satan.

“Um, why did you stop?” Ares said.

Satan gestured vaguely towards Cyrus and Hep and grunted.

A white glow grew around Cyrus. Cyrus looked around, then to Hep.

“What the fuck?” Cyrus asked, and then faded from view.

“What the fuck?” Ares and Hep asked at the same time.

“The son of a bitch performed an entirely selfless act. He had nothing to gain from helping Nubbins, and he did it anyway,” Satan said, disgusted. “Fucking people.”

“So, pretend we’re stupid and tell us what that means,” Ares said.

“I don’t have to pretend, you are stupid,” Satan said. “It means he redeemed himself. He’s probably not in heaven at this moment. I expect he’ll have a few thousand years in Limbo, since he couldn’t even avoid cussing as he was being redeemed, but he’ll get there eventually.”

Satan turned then, to face Nubbins’s boss.

“And this was all caused by you,” Satan said. “Consider yourself fired.”

Nubbins’s boss sputtered for a second, before being whisked away to the lake of fire.

“So, Nubbins, a new management position has opened up, are you interested?” Satan said.

“Sure I can handle that,” Nubbins said, delighted for the first time in centuries.

“Good, you start right away. Give ‘em Hell!” Satan said. Nubbins gave an awkward salute, and disappeared.

“Now, you two,” Satan said. “Come with me, I’ll show you the way to the gates.”

The three of them walked in silence, until they reached the gates.

“Now, seriously you two, you’re welcome to drop by for a visit anytime. Please just let me know you’re coming first instead of beating up my doorman,” Satan said, then whispered conspiritorially, “He’s not really good at anything else, and I can’t afford to let him quit.”

“Got it,” Hep said. “We’ll see you around, Satan.”

“Yeah, take care,” Ares said.

The two of them walked out the gates of Hell then. The doorman saw them, and tried to stay inconspicuous behind his pedestal.

“Hey, nothing personal,” Ares said to the demon.

Then he and Hep returned to reality. They stood on a chilly street corner. It was hard to tell if any time had passed since they’d gone to Hell. Everything still appeared the same as when they’d left.

“Well, I gotta get my ass down to Oklahoma and get my motorcycle out of storage,” Hep said.

“Yeah, I should probably go find out if I still have an apartment. Talk to you later, Hep,” Ares said.

“Sure will,” Hep said. Ares vanished then, and Hep walked off in search of a cab to take him to the airport.